In a world where happiness is rare, I truly do attempt to create it. However, being the imperfect human that I am, I also unintentionally cause chaos and disaster, even if it is just internally.
It’s not merely my fault in this particular case. You chose to yearn for something that was (and still is) challenged. Precarious. You can't build a sky scraper if the foundation is not strong and sturdy enough to support itself.
Feelings and the unknown are what drove us to this place. It’s exhilarating to find yourself in a whirlwind of emotions and simply follow them to wherever they may take you. But thats the thing— I only know how to take them so far. And you knew that.
Giving you the freedom to flee whenever the pressure got to be too much too handle, you insisted on being the one that stays. Its a wishful thought, and refreshing at the least, but its impractical.
Wishing for you to hurt me so hard that I don’t have to feel guilty about everything I have destroyed. I should have said no from the start because finding comfort in you was selfish. I knew that I would never be able to provide you with everything you needed.
This is when the heat becomes unbearable and the flames begin to break through the walls that you ventured so hard to conquer yourself. This is where it all ends. It has to. You don’t want to face it, and I have known it all along. This commodity was a ticking time bomb before it even started.
So, this is me swallowing my pride and telling you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I am the way I am. I’m sorry that I’m not strong enough to defeat my own demons. And I’m sorry for allowing them to win.
I can only hope that you will meet someone to clean up this mess I have created. Someone who isn’t afraid of the world. Someone better. Braver.
I need to know that you wind up happy. I need you to live your best life and I will pray everyday that you find your paradise. I care so much about you and that is the most frustrating aspect of our story.
Letting me go has to be the best thing to happen in your life because it will give you the opportunity to find the person you were meant for all along. She’s out there, I’m certain of it.
Go. Travel the world. Find her. And if I’m fortunate enough, this will all be nothing but a distant memory.
Photo: Natalia Sole
